He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Every concussion has its silver lining
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Randomize
