I feel great
I just peed on a car
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
people are starting to question the shark bite story
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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