that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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