i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Randomize
