Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
