I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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