i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
