my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
