so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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