3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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