Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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