My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
