We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
