awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
