Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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