Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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