you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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