Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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