I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
