How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
