I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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