the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
So apparently I’m into choking now
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