i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
