I think I won the penis lottery.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
