I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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