dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
