Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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