Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
