Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
