She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
