Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
