Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
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