Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
