It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I should be sponsored by Trojan
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
high people should be assigned attendants
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize
