and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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