is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
