I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
My vagina is very pro this idea
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
