You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Just invented taco cereal.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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