if you like me you must not know who I am
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
