weddingsv make me drug and hornr
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Randomize
