I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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