You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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