I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
