I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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