i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Just took my morning after pill in the library
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
