omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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