She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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