The maid of honor just puked.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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