Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
