Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
