Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
