Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
