I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Randomize
