1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Randomize
