The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Why did my mother make you get naked?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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