Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Randomize
