Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
