Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
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