I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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