How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
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