you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Randomize
