there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
