Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
